The Amazing Third Part

 By the time Gand-Agent makes his call, at least one of our intrepid pair is well on the way to Shit-Faced Land. The tango music has sobbed itself into an all-time lugubrious low … the David Wenham look-alike barman has been told the full story … even the middle-aged dancers look sombre … and then Faithful Ham’s phone rings. She doesn’t trust herself to hold it together during the call (and she can’t hear anything over the music anyway), so she goes outside.

Gand-Agent: Hi, I promised you I’d ring as soon as possible because I know you really want to know the outcome of your offer on the property and I don’t like to keep people in suspense, blah, blah, blah …
Faithful Ham: (thinks) God! Will you just get the fuck on with it?
Gand-Agent: What’s that noise in the background?
Faithful Ham: It’s tango music. We ran away to Argentina. Waiting makes us restless.
Gand-Agent: Really? I’ve always wanted to travel around South America but it certainly has nothing whatsoever to do with all those extremely gorgeous women wearing teeny little skirts, blah, blah, etc …
Faithful Ham: Yeah, so anyway …
Gand-Agent: … blah, blah, congratulations, your bid was successful, blah, blah …
Faithful Ham: (nearly puts fist through window while banging on it to get Frodoboat’s attention, displaces three neck vertebrae due to violence of nodding, then bursts into tears — again.)
Gand-Agent: … blah, blah, papers to sign in the morning so I’ll meet you at the airport when you’re seeing off Frodoboat.
Faithful Ham: (runs back inside and is picked up and whirled around by Frodoboat while David Wenham look-alike barman beams on benevolently.)

The following morning, Frodoboat and Faithful Ham (nursing her throbbing, hung-over head) meet Gand-Agent at the airport.
Gand-Agent: I couldn’t really mention this last night but now that everything’s signed, I thought you should know — the orc rang and made an offer on the property.
Faithful Ham and Frodoboat: (exchange a look that is 38.573% sardonic and 61.427% smug)

It’s right at this moment that a flight arrival is announced. It’s the plane that Frodoboat is due to fly back out on. The luggage is off-loaded … and sure enough, Frodoboat’s missing bag is among it. One of the airport staff takes the bag off the trolley, affixes a new label, and puts it back on.

It would be nice to say that from then on, our victorious couple lived happily ever after.

And so they did … apart from the tiny matter of four hours spent by Faithful Ham in a lawyer’s office later that day because of a misunderstanding (the lawyer’s) over an easement on the property, the subsequent withdrawal and then reinstatement of the offer … not to mention some interesting discussions with Mrs Vend-Or concerning the property’s chattels. But hey, every good story has its Gollums and Shelobs … this one was never going to be any different.

P.S. Hey, it’s 2010. When the hell did that happen?

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