A work in progress: 2

Milestone #3 in Your Correspondent’s recovery from being mental was a very long time in the making. Fourteen years, to be exact. That’s how long ago I was diagnosed with depression. No matter how often and by whom it was suggested, I’ve always resisted all forms of counselling and therapy. Didn’t want it, didn’t trust it and was way too proud to consider anyone else might have something valuable to say where my life or the workings of my head were concerned.

It was those bloody radio awards that changed everything. (Didn’t win, didn’t expect to, wasn’t bothered.) Just when I was starting to feel I was calming down and getting a measure of control back over my state of mind, the finalists were announced and I went immediately into an epic tail-spin. I wanted to be back at work. All my symptoms returned, including the awful, debilitating grief at leaving. In the end, I thought, You really need to do something about this. It’s doing your head in. You’ll end up in even more of a mess unless you can find a way to think about everything that’s happened and put it into some sort of context.

That’s how I found myself on a phone, pouring out my story to a Psychologist Called Keith.

The Psychologist Called Keith was a very nice man with some very interesting things to say. Here are a couple:

PCK:  Do you know why this has happened to you?
Niki: Um … because I’m a headcase?
PCK: Because you went back to work too soon after your cancer treatment. You didn’t give yourself any time to deal with the physical and emotional trauma that goes with it. If I was your oncologist, I would’ve hit the roof when I found out how quickly you went back. I think the only reason you got away with it was that he’s in Perth and you’re 1600 kilometres away in Karratha and you only see each other every six months. As for your former employer, in my opinion, you’ve got a good case against the organisation for negligence.
Niki: Whoa, hang on a minute. No-one held a gun to my head. It was my decision to go back when I did.
PCK: Oh, and you were thinking clearly at the time, were you? I don’t think so.

I’m not the litigious type. Ask my ex-husbands. But I have since pondered those words. Organisations are very quick to demand medical certificates for sick leave but how many of them ask for medical certification that you’re fit to return … particularly when you’ve had a serious illness?

The Psychologist Called Keith went on to say that in view of the circumstances, it was inevitable I would crash; it was just a matter of when. He voiced surprise that I held it together for as long as I did. He said many people wouldn’t be able to handle the stress of my job on its own, let alone everything else that had gone on in the last three years. He reminded me that despite the other stuff going on my life, I’d still put myself at the top of my game, as evidenced by the radio award finals. He explained what was behind some puzzling behaviour from other people. He finished by telling me I was going to be fine, that I should turn around any negative feelings I had and use them for something positive and the most important thing I could do was:

PCK: Hold on to that wonderful sense of humour you’ve got. That sense of humour will save your life.

He surprised me. I wasn’t expecting him to be so supportive. I thought he was going to point out everything about my thought processes and my psyche that made me weak and pathetic and unable to function. I didn’t expect him to be on my side. And, for the record, I didn’t make myself out to be any sort of hero or better than I am. If you’re wanting someone’s help, you don’t fuck around with the facts.

I’m glad I spoke to the Psychologist Called Keith. He gave me some perspective. I don’t know if I’ll ever need to talk to someone like him again but if I do, I won’t hesitate. And you shouldn’t either, if you need to.

As for Milestone #4 … well, you know about that one. You might’ve read it. It was the “Breaking up is hard to do” post.

I’d had a few weeks to digest everything the Psychologist Called Keith said and decided it was time to write it all down and see what I really thought. I was quite proud of that post, in the end. I thought it showed I was taking responsibility for my own actions and facing up to the consequences.

However, not everyone liked it as much as I did. About a week after I published it, I had a phone call from someone in the organisation where I used to work. Let’s just say that this call wasn’t motivated by any concern for my welfare and it certainly didn’t speed up my recovery. After the initial shock, I got quite upset. And after that, I got angry. Very angry indeed. For a long time.

But who wants to be continuously angry? It’s poisonous. You have no idea the relief I felt when one day, I found myself thinking, Fuck it. Who gives a shit? It’s all bollocks. I understood that I was over it. Simple as that. So I moved on. As Tim Winton says in Breath: People are fools, not monsters.

Maybe that was Milestone #5.

Anyway, not much more to go. There are only two or three milestones left and they’re good ones.  Then let’s see if I can still make us laugh. I’m looking forward to that.

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