A work in progress: 1

 When bad things happen in my life, I tend not to write about them on the blog. The less you read about them, the worse they’ve been. Over the years, I’ve mentioned being depressed a few times but I’ve never elaborated on how crippling those periods were. Witnessing the death of my sister-in-law three years ago was summed up by one line in a very short post. That’s because for months afterwards, I couldn’t sleep. I’d sit up for hours, crying uncontrollably and screaming into a pillow. It was a terrible time.

The cancer thing got a bit more blog coverage. Not because it was an easier process; far from it. But I wanted to put something down about it because I was scared I was going to die. I thought I should make some effort to show how brave and full of raffish good humour I was, despite being terrified by my own mortality. Something for posterity. For the record.

So, the fact that this is only the third post since my “breakdown” back in February should give you some idea of what it’s been like.

For the first month, I was basically suicidal. Or part of me was. Every morning, I’d wake up freaking out at the thought of the radio show I didn’t have any stories lined up for. Then, once I remembered that I no longer worked there, the voice would kick in:

What are you bothering to get up for? You’ll never do anything again in your life as cool as talking on the radio. You may as well end it right here and now because that was as good as it’s ever going to get. You’d be better off dead … 

It was nasty and persuasive. It sat on my chest and pinned me to the bed. It was so loud I couldn’t concentrate on formulating rebuttals. Obviously, I didn’t act on it. But this dark part of my psyche wasn’t going to give up easily.

One of the worst aspects of having a panic attack is the fear you’ll have another one. It’s very fucking frightening to feel that something else has complete control of your body. After my experience on the day I left work, I was afraid of going anywhere because the compulsion to drive into oncoming traffic was so strong. It wasn’t quite a voice but it was more than just an urge. It was something in between and it went like this:

It: Go on, just steer over to the right a bit.
Me: But I’ll kill myself.
It: (playfully, wheedling) Doesn’t matter.

On and on and on … for the whole journey.

Then there were the arguments when approaching roundabouts:

It: No, don’t slow down. Speed up!
Me: But if I don’t give way, I”ll get hit.
It: Just speed up a little. Nothing too serious. Just enough to land up in hospital and have a rest for a while. Then you won’t be in trouble for anything and people will have to be nice to you.

It sounds simplistic but I got through all this by filling up every minute of every day with things to do: walk the dog, do the housework, cook up and freeze lunches for the Dreamboat, bake, iron, knit, work out. I’d make long lists and then cross off each task when I completed it. I only drove twice a week to the supermarket, early in the morning when there weren’t many vehicles about.

Finally, there came the morning when I challenged the “you’ll never do anything that cool again” voice.

Me: Cool in whose eyes?
It: Everyone else’s.
Me: No-one else gives a shit. Cool in whose eyes?
It: Your own.
Me: Yeah. My own. Exactly.

That was the day I began to get better. It was my first milestone.

The second milestone came a couple of days later, during a phone conversation with a friend. I had this sudden realisation; a literal bolt from the blue. I knew I no longer needed an audience. It didn’t matter any more. I didn’t care if no-one knows who I am or what I think about or how I spend my time.

Anyone who’s ever had a front-line job in the media will tell you how hard it is to leave the limelight. I’ve known people who’ve done it and never got over it. You’re a performer and an authority and a personality and, if you’re lucky, more people like you and respect you and look up to you than not, and it’s all very satisfying for the ego. So realising that you’ve let it go and you’ll no longer actively seek it out is a very big deal.

That was when I nearly shut down hot water for good. But hey … even though this blog initially started out as something I did for whoever was interested in reading it, that’s changed over time too. Now, I write it first and foremost for me. And while I appreciate you loyal and long-suffering superheroes who persist in coming back every time I update and who give me so much encouragement and kind thoughts, I’d still blog even if there was no-one coming to visit.

So, now you know a little of what went on in the first couple of months. There are more milestones. There could be a happy ending. Maybe, somewhere down the track,  there might even be a return to humour. I think so. Just bear with me. There are a few other bits to get through first.

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